dollop of solipsism

horrocious words, i know, extracted from the harry potter series. apologies for that. i am actually not a racist, though if what i say gets taken out of context, i could be viewed as racist. it depends on your definition of racism, i suppose, or whatever oprah says nowadays. just nod along.

based on my own definition of ‘racism,’ i don’t qualify as a racist. i don’t think it’s right for me to act negatively towards a person based on his/her skin color; but—it’s not right for me to deny a person’s skin color, either. there must be a balance. for me, if i’m far removed from a person, i will judge them. if i’m up close and personal, they’re a blank slate, devoid of color. so i suppose you can qualify me as a bad person. whatever. in defense of myself, my friends include a black stanford grad student, a half-white-half-mexican folksinger, a german-scots-irish porcelain doll, an indian-american librarian, a bangladeshi-american vet student, a cambodian-chinese-american donut maker, a white episcopalian, and a shanghainese-american businesswoman/shoe shopper. among others. and i’m not racist towards any of these people, my friends. as far as i’m concerned, when it comes to people i don’t know, it’s fair game. as long as i’m not touching them (and why would i?) or harming them physically, i can think what i want.

there was a student in my class today. ‘my name is (unimportant) and i am 16 years old. when i grow up i want to be a model.’ the others in the class (all 16 year old girls) oooed and awwwed. there are a bunch of korean female models making it big in the fashion industry nowadays. they’re tall and skinny. the student in my class today…i asked, ‘what is your 키 (height)?’ she answered, ‘165cm.’ ‘you need to be taller to be a model,’ i said. i might’ve crushed her dream. but hey, what’s a 165cm girl thinking she’s gonna be a model someday? that ain’t gonna happen; she might as well have weighed over 130lbs…i should’ve asked her if she wanted to do some hand- or foot-modeling. perhaps there is hope after all.

lately, they’ve been airing a special on onstyle about 2 korean models who made it big during new york fashion week. one might’ve been in the project runway finale, but i’m not positive because all asians look alike. korean male models, however, have no such press. i don’t know why.

there are two korean-ish male models/actors popular here, and they are daniel henney and dennis o’neil. i must admit that these two people bother me immensely. not only are they tall (about 6′2″), handsome, but they’re also mixed (korean mother, anglo father). if daniel henney and dennis o’neil were successful, famous models/actors in the US, i would raise two fists and rejoice in their success. but the majority of their fame lies in south korea, and that bothers me. they don’t speak korean well, and they make a killing doing commercials, dramas, and even movies. both are very popular among korean women.

the fact that they’re mixed doesn’t bother me (that much). the fact that they capitalize on their mixed heritage, or, to put it differently, the fact that the attraction to them is rooted in their ethnicity, is what bothers me (greatly). i can see for myself that they are tall, good-looking, and maybe even charming. if they weren’t famous and one of them walked into a new york coffeeshop, i’d be like, ‘damn, that fella is good-looking.’ but that’s not the case. they are on my television all the time, and all the korean girls scream for them. they probably have white girlfriends.

true, half-breeds are people too, and a lot of them are beautiful people (hello halle berry, tiger woods). but white-asian half-breeds i have…issues with. i can’t help but think that some married american GI tricked an asian girl into bed and fathered children. it’s an infiltration of my people, and i don’t like it. true, we live in modern society and korean women are willingly in love with americans…i see this all the time in daegu…and people (with the exception of me, of course) are more receptive to these interracial couplings, but i can’t help but feel pillaged.

in one way, it’s great that dennis o’neil and daniel henney ‘love’ korea (i’m assuming here). however, they’re also making money off of this. there are plenty of korean adoptees, korean-americans, multiracial koreans in korea exploring their ‘heritage.’ they’re not making money off of this self-exploration.

in another way, dennis o’neil and daniel henney have just capitalized on their market appeal in korea and will stick around for some time; they’ve found their niche. koreans will embrace them, watch them, and follow them.

in a third way, dennis o’neil and daniel henney are just beautiful men doing a job and getting paid for it. regardless of their skin color or roots. they could be any color—white, black, copper, pink—brad pitt could move to korea and make some money pretending to be korean. whatever.

in a fourth way, i’m just completely jealous of dennis o’neil and daniel henney because they’re tall, handsome, and mixed (which in my world equals special). i would do anything to be special. really. i am willing to have multiple personalities if you’ll think me ’special.’ secretly, i want to have a korean mother and a white father. and a white girlfriend, undoubtedly, since white is better than yellow.

it’s like high school. a good-looking polish girl moves into small town texas and all the boys want her and all the girls pretend to like her (they secretly hate her). all because she’s polish and different (don’t forget beautiful). do we like her because she’s different? because she’s beautiful? because she’s a nice person? because she’s charming? what, what is it about this polish girl?

let’s move on. it helps that dennis o’neil and daniel henney are gorgeous. there is no vainer people than the koreans. good-looking people get better jobs, get treated better, and life is just easier for them. not as good-looking people are told how not good-looking they are every day. i work at a middle school, and these kids are honest with their opinions (‘his nickname is pig,’ ’she looks like a cat,’ ‘he is fat,’ etc). it is common for a not-so-good-looking celebrity to refer to him or herself as subpar in the beauty department. in a way, it’s refreshing to live in such an honest society. in another way, it is horrible to live in a society that places so much importance on beauty. bleach creams (pale skin is all the rage), makeup, hip clothes, cool hairstyles, cosmetic surgery, height, s-lines, small faces…beauty counts for something in korea. it’s just as important as money, family, profession.

so let’s take the option where i’m envious of daniel henney and dennis o’neil’s beauty. if they weren’t so beautiful, no one would know who they were, they wouldn’t make any money, and this post wouldn’t exist. if they were famous, but, ugly mix-breeds, i truly wouldn’t care enough to write this post. why write about ugly people?

so it’s probably just envy. yeah, we’ll go with that. it’s the only way i can end this post unscathed.

march 14th, the day before the ides of march, one month after valentine’s day, is ‘white day’ in south korea. the holiday is celebrated in japan, as well as in taiwan. on white day, all the light foreigners living in korea (aka ‘white people’) gather in local parks and have a picnic. this year, i’m celebrating ‘white day’ with my friend tristan and diana, who are both white (as white as you can get) and foreign.

[pic: diana and tristan, happy being white]

you might think it strange that koreans have such a holiday, one that officially separates the foreigners from the locals, but that’s just the way this country is. it’s very much ‘there’s us…and then there’s you.’ i suppose this happens in all countries except the US (and canada, probably), where ‘diversity’ is ‘lauded’ (right, george w. bush?). i assume white people stick out like sore thumbs in a sea of rwandans; they probably never fully get absorbed into rwandan society. in korea, where everyone looks similar (i look at my roster and it’s all smiths, johnsons, williamses, and joneses), it’s difficult not to stick out if you’re black, white, chocolate, copper, pink, whatever. if you’re cheesecake or custard, you’re ready to go. the korean tourism board advertises, ‘visit korea. not only is it sparkling, but you’ll also be handed a platter of prejudice the second you step off that plane!’

eh. what you gonna do? ::shrug:: just take mariah’s advice, and shake it off.

(note: if you think i’m joking about koreans celebrating ‘white day,’ go ahead and ask my best friend wikipedia. however, this isn’t nearly as crazy as the koreans’ celebration of ‘black day‘ on april 14th, which is when they have a black representative run a much-publicized marathon from the southern city of busan to the capital city of seoul).