dollop of solipsism

upon my arrival at school, i opened up gmail to find a message from a stranger teacher at another middle school in daegu. she was in the audience when i gave my lecture last friday, and was impressed with my skillz. she asked (dangerously bordering on flirtatiously) if she could have my powerpoint so she could show it to the native english teacher at her school.

i said no.

i’ve been teaching in korea now for 2 years, and i work hard. i stay up late creating powerpoints and editing video clips that use the target language we’re learning. i make my own worksheets. i video tape myself giving directions for activities because the kids would rather see a digitized version of me than the real thing. i like to produce my own lessons because i can’t teach someone else’s stuff. i think about teaching all the time—at e-mart, on the subway, on the bus, in my sleep—everywhere. which is why it bothers me when random teachers ask me for my lesson plans and powerpoints.

a few fridays back, i was teaching at an english camp, and during one of the ‘open classes’ (visitors can watch me teach), a teacher and her native english teacher (some fat white guy) walked in and observed my class. the lesson i was teaching is foolproofingly awesome. at the end of class, the korean teacher, polite and complimentary, asked if she could have my powerpoint. she was holding a USB in both hands. was there any way i could’ve said no? i was right there. the powerpoint was right on the computer. and she had a USB. i said sure.

i shouldn’t have.

last week, hae-an elementary school, the site of my next english camp in mid-july, emailed me to inform me of their upcoming camp. they wanted me to send them the lesson i want to use for when i’ll be teaching at their school. in the email, the teacher named ’sunny’ (cringe) attached an example lesson plan that we (i and the other native english teachers at the camp) could reference. i opened the attachment to find my own lesson plan staring me in the face. i was confused. why had ’sunny’ just sent me my own lesson plan? apparently, hae-an elementary school is getting pointers on how to run an english camp from cheong-rim elementary school, the site of my last last english camp in january. the attachment had my name on it, and cheong-rim elementary’s name as well. but i didn’t like the thought of my lesson plan being handed out like candy on halloween. what the hell, people? it’s my stuff.

i’ve always had a problem with sharing. my older sister can vouch for that. i don’t share toys. i don’t share space. and i certainly don’t share food (much like joey). i grew up as the youngest of two (for 12 years, before my little sister was born), and i’m the only male in an asian family. i usually get what i want, when i want it, how i want it. i’m spoiled, but i work hard, too. if my work is given out like free condoms in college, what else is there for me to do? rephrase: if they pay me for my work, and then they take my work, then they no longer need me; i become obsolete.

so this morning, i promised myself that under no circumstances will i give out powerpoints and video clips and other stuff to anyone who teaches in korea. i’ll be a miser.

in about 3 weeks, school will end and i’ll no longer teach middle school english (::fingers crossed::). i won’t need 6.50 GB worth of middle school lesson plans hogging up the computer. i’ll slowly burn them to disk, file them away, and eventually forget that they exist. i know that they’re no good if they’re not being used, but i. don’t. care. they’re mine, my lessons…my precious.

my little sister was born in houston at clear lake regional medical center. it was 1994, i was twelve then. my mother, who, if you’ve ever met my mother, you’d know, is a stick, was getting larger around the stomach. at the age of twelve, i had no inkling that she could get pregnant. the thought just didn’t cross my mind. jokes, however, did. i kept joking about the baby that i thought would never come. i kept telling her to give birth to a girl and not a boy. i didn’t want to go to the military. at that age, i had convinced myself that if i was the only son, i wouldn’t have to join the military if world war iii ever came.

my older sister and i had school during the day. in the evening, our father brought us to the hospital. and i held my little sister for the first time. i’m always surprised by how small babies’ hands are. they’re so small and delicate.

i named my little sister. i gave her her chinese name and her english name. i wasn’t given the duty, but i was the only one who had any suggestions. her name is kathy because of me and my default suggestions. not even katherine, but just kathy. no middle name. it’s exactly what a twelve year old (who grew up with a much abused name) would name his sister.

both my parents worked, and my older sister was a teenager. most of the time it was just kathy and me in the house. i learned to feed her. i changed her diapers. i dressed her. she was a live doll and that’s when we (both of us are dogs in the chinese zodiac) bonded. she wouldn’t sleep unless she had my arm to squeeze.

now, even though i’m 7,000 miles away (she’s in houston, i’m in korea), i’m still the closest person to her. and i’ve convinced myself that i don’t really live for anyone else besides her. she’s the only person in my family who i can comfortably say ‘i love you’ to.

on her first day of daycare, i sat in the front seat of the car as my mother led her into the center. kathy looked at me and waved goodbye. she wasn’t afraid. when i was her age, i was afraid of everything. i waved goodbye and kept my tears hidden. that’s when i knew i loved her more than i loved myself. she’s the only person in the world i love more than myself.

it’s sunday night. it was a nice day. and i just miss her.

i worked on my 30-minute powerpoint presentation yesterday. then i worked on it all day today at school. at first, i was worried that i wouldn’t have enough material to fill the 30-minute time allotment, but as always, the presentation just grew and grew and grew. and now i’m worried that i’ll go overboard.

i just completed the last slide and it’s pretty complete. no errors. very fluid. some humour. it’ll be a hit, i hope.

and then mr. man, my main contact for the workshop, emailed me this evening to let me know that my lecture time is 4:40pm, and that most teachers like it when the presentations are short and sweet. like, instead of using the allotted 30 minutes, i keep my lecture to about 20 minutes. thanks, mr. man, for telling me the night before i’m suppose to go on. really, thanks.

so i just deleted a few dispensable slides.

tomorrow, i have one open period in my schedule to rehearse. then i have 4 classes in a row until lunch time, at which point, i run to the foreign language high school to listen to the two lectures going on before mine. i suppose i could rehearse on the subway. but then i’ll be the crazy person who mouths words to himself…

i’ll probably just wing it. extemporaneous. i don’t even know if they’re paying me for the lecture. i hope they do.

anywho, it’s almost midnight. i should go to bed. should be a fun weekend after the lecture is over. diana’s sister is in town, and it’s her birthday tomorrow so she wants to celebrate it with some dancing. i’m totally up for some dancing.

goodnight. wish me good luck.