dollop of solipsism

it’s no secret that i love america’s next top model. created and hosted by former supermodel tyra banks, the reality series premiered in the summer of 2003 on flailing network upn and eventually became that network’s #1 program. i’ve watched antm since its humble beginnings (seriously, that first season looks pretty “jank”) and even followed its seventh-cycle move to the cw, where it continues to anchor each spring/fall lineup. the show’s popularity is made evident by the 50+ international versions, and, though korea has yet to produce its own version of the program, america’s next top model is (along with sex & the city) broadcast almost every day of the week on onstyle. furthermore, has anyone noticed that the show’s only been on since 2003 and it’s already in its thirteenth cycle? insanity.

insanity—that’s a good word to describe the often ridiculous show. the premise is simple: a bunch of female model wannabes go through a series of tests, challenges and eliminations (not to mention drama) to become america’s. next. top. model. tyra banks’s brand of crazy totally works for this reality television program (it fails to work on her talk show, i’m afraid to say): she is over-the-top, finger-waggin’ fieeeeerce, and, at times, just plain cuckoo.

flanked left and right by her posse of crazies throughout the years—”noted fashion photographer nigel barker,” “runway diva coach extraordinaire miss jay,” “legendary supermodel paulina porizkova,” “fashion icon twiggy,” “janice dickinson, one of the world’s first supermodels,” “nolé marin, prominent fashion editor and stylist,” and of course, bleach-blonde jay manuel (aka “mr. jay”), the art director of all the photo shoots—tyra banks puts the aspiring models through the ultimate model boot camp, which features weekly photo shoots, commercials, runway coaching, acting sessions, make-overs and individual evaluations. it may be the gayest show on earth.

do i sound like a fan? yes. yes, i do. whenever there’s a top model marathon on tv, i am there. and even though i’ve seen each cycle like, a gazillion times, i will still plop myself in front of the tube and rewatch, and rewatch, and rewatch. it’s so easy to get distracted by the show because it’s always on. example: currently, cycles 8, 11 and 12 of antm are airing on onstyle in their respective time slots. when one cycle ends, another begins. just like life.

since i think myself a sort of expert on top model, below i wish to rank the cycles in order from worst to best, and i also want to spotlight some of each cycle’s most memorable moments.

cycle 12

•standout cast members: tall-ass aminat, fashionista celia, face in a wind-tunnel teyona, nosebleed-obsessed allison
•winner: teyona (two words: ghet-to)
•villain: sandra (who is actually more clueless than evil)
•best photo: sandra and celia as nannies on the upper east side
•memorable photo shoots: models as birds (shot by tyra) and…::crickets::
•in short: the worst cycle in antm history; it is not even worth a second look; god-awful girls and god-awful shoots / challenges

cycle 10

•standout cast members: plus-size fake whitney, soccer mom dominique, what is she saying anya, “neutrogena” katarzyna, little iman fatima
•winner: bottom two-dweller whitney
•villain: dominique (who got knocked around by her ex-boyfriend, as well as the producers)
•best photo: girlfriend may look a bit drag-ish but give it up ladies and gents, this picture is fieeeeerce
•memorable photo shoots: homeless shelter, “fuerzabruta” body in water
•in short: a lot of catty bitches (including the winner) and a few good, but bland, girls; it’s just aiight, folks

cycle 5

•standout cast members: pee in a diaper lisa, lesbian kim, granola bar bre
•winner: whiny brat nicole
•villain: bre (who poured nicole’s energy drinks down the drain)
•best photo: slim pickings, but i guess this one with boring nik and her extreme hair extensions
•memorable photo shoots: reinterpreting artwork, plastic surgeries gone wrong
•in short: unlikeable group of girls doing very uninteresting things; a mediocre cycle

cycle 4

•standout cast members: carmen kass look-alike kahlen, bread-loving keenyah, faux hawk naima, she got told tiffany
•winner: self-hater naima (really, tyra? really??)
•villain: keenyah (who didn’t even know who nelson mandela was)
•best photo: chameleon kahlen as a springbok
•memorable photo shoots: astrological signs, african animals, different ethnicity, seven deadly sins
•in short: a dark group of girls (really, besides kahlen, where are the blonde-haired blue-eyed beauties?); not a lot of fun

cycle 7

•standout cast members: goofball caridee, perfectionist melrose, quirky twins michelle and amanda
•winner: a deserving caridee (very photogenic)
•villain: monique (who, thank god, went home early)
•best photo: scary caridee, shot by tyra
•memorable photo shoots: circus freaks, hair show, model stereotypes
•in short: a great-looking group of girls + creative photo shoot ideas = pleasing season

cycle 9

•standout cast members: sarcastic jenah, the face of asperger’s heather, sunny chantal, wicked bianca
•winner: highly commercial saleisha
•villain: bianca (“check your thighs in the mirror—and i’m done.”)
•best photo: jenah, who took divine photo after divine photo (this may be my favorite antm photo of all time)
•memorable photo shoots: types of plants, smoking side-effects, recyclable materials, the great wall of china
•in short: modelesque girls with distinct personalities, doing cool photo shoots (plus, there’s china!)

cycle 11

•standout cast members: tomboy mckey, awkward marjorie, sassy sheena, actress analeigh, stoic elina, transgendered isis
•winner: mckey (duh!)
•villain: elina (who could never just let go)
•best photo: analeigh in front of dutch windmills
•memorable photo shoots: fierce eyes above water, hot air balloon
•in short: a group of beautiful girls in the most high-fashion cycle of top model

cycle 8

•standout cast members: cha-cha diva jaslene, car salesman natasha, nasty renee
•winner: jaslene (there really wasn’t ever a doubt)
•villain: renee (who picked fights wherever she went)
•best photo: jaslene as a good-looking nautical fella
•memorable photo shoots: high school clichés, crime scenes, gender-swapper
•in short: a mixed bag of girls, amazing photo-models (this cycle probably has the strongest set of photo shoot concepts)

cycle 6

•standout cast members: amazonian danielle, snaggle toothed joanie, crazy jade, praying mantis furonda, front-runner nnenna, vacuous gina
•winner: danielle (“shut yo’ mouth and say it ain’t so!”)
•villain: jade (who picked on poor little korean-american gina (well…the girl had it comin’))
•best photo: best photo-taker (ever!) joanie straddling a friggin’ elephant
•memorable photo shoots: going bald, fairy tale characters, dream career, krumping, riding an elephant
•in short: a fierce battle between gorgeous danielle and photogenic joanie—the closest match in top model finale history

cycle 1

•standout cast members: intelligent elyse, chicagoan adrianne, virginal shannon, beauty queen robin
•winner: adrianne (she wanted it the most, for sure)
•villain: robin (who gave elyse a hard time about being an atheist—”foolish is the man who says there is no god”)
•best photo: elyse with a snake (one of the best photos we’ve seen on top model)
•memorable photo shoots: posing with a snake, showing movement with a football player, the naked one
•in short: the cycle that started it all—the first overseas trip, the first nude shoot, the first commercial, the first catfights—it’s all raw and unplanned and fabulous

cycle 3

•standout cast members: eva diva, blind amanda, haughty yaya, walking wet dream ann, “big, black, beautiful and lovin’ it” toccara
•winner: bad girl gone good eva
•villain: um, was there one? we’ll go with 50% eva, 50% yaya
•best photo: eva overcame her fear of spiders and ended up with this stunning picture
•memorable photo shoots: tarantula, geishas in kimonos, harajuku girls
•in short: probably the loudest group of contestants, all quite distinct; it’s probably the cycle that is most fun to watch

cycle 2

•standout cast members: fashion-obsessed yoanna, cheating shandi, lupus patient mercedes, control freak april, “black bitch” camille
•winner: yoanna (a face like hers “doesn’t come around very often”)
•villain: camille (miss cruella deville, yoanna calls her)
•best photo: a toss-up between yoanna’s and mercedes’s high-fashion pictures, with the edge to yoanna (not everyone can pull off a helmet)
•memorable photo shoots: underwater couture, garden of eden, hanging from wires, famous celebrities
•in short: this season has it all—crying (catie), fear of heights (catie), sex (um, shandi?), chronic illness (mercedes), fainting (shandi), refusing to do nudity (anna), a girl who is late to a photo shoot (jenascia), high fashion (milan!) and let’s not forget the world premiere of tyra banks’s first music video, “shake ya body.” the question remains—was mercedes robbed of the title?

agree? disagree? are we looking forward to cycle 13, america’s next short model? i’m not (because models should be tall)…but, i’d really like to see the girls come to korea. think korea, people.

i hadn’t seen ms. seo since late august of last year, when she helped me move apartments. she was my co-teacher for two years at a private middle school on the east side of town (that’s the good side of daegu, in case you were wondering), and she was very helpful in and outside of school. i was sorry to leave the middle school because i did like the students and my co-workers and the school itself. however, i was seriously bothered by the lack of support in my co-teaching classes and i was fed up with the middle school curriculum. and quite frankly, i got a gig that suited me better.

yesterday, i met her in downtown in front of daegu department store. as my phone plan was under her name, i needed ms. seo’s signature in order to be released from KTF’s annoying grasps (so much spam!). subsequently, i was able to sign up with another cell phone carrier under my significant other’s name. for most of the hour we spent together, we talked about work.

a redheaded aussie, oh, let’s call him ‘drake,’ took my place at the middle school last fall. too often i hear horror stories about native english-speaking teachers who don’t prepare for class, and are lazy, and come to school hung over, and call in sick all the time and whatnot. i’ve never met ‘drake,’ but what ms. seo told me about him leaves me to think that he’s one of those native english-speaking teachers. here are the bits and pieces of our conversation:

‘drake’ doesn’t prepare for class. he stands in front of the classroom and reads the textbook out loud. in a period, he’ll stand there and read, out loud, two whole units of the book (there are only 12 units in the entire textbook). furthermore, he doesn’t explain the contents in detail or provide examples. sometimes the students will do a word find for the entire 45 minutes of class. when ‘drake’ is done ‘teaching,’ he gives the students free-talking time. “in english”? i asked. “no,” ms. seo answered, “the students speak in korean. we have many free-talking sessions.”

i shook my head in disbelief. it unsettles me to hear that such a person is ‘teaching’ at such a good school. well, it’s not entirely his fault. i know the english teachers at that school; they don’t fully participate in the art of ‘co-teaching.’ they could make the lesson plans and use ‘drake’ only as a human phonograph. they could take the initiative and be the lead teachers. they could force him to co-teach in class. but they don’t. it’s not all his fault, i know that.

the crazy thing is, i saw him at the re-signing meeting friday afternoon, which indicates the education center’s decision to renew his contract. “did you guys give him a good review?” i asked ms. seo. “no, we told the education center that we don’t want him to be at our school. we said that even if we don’t have a native english teacher next semester, we don’t want him. the principal and vice-principal agreed to that,” she answered.

amazing, i thought. most principals will do anything to get a native english teacher at their schools; it gives the school more clout. schools that have mediocre foreign teachers will still most likely allow the teachers to stay…it’s not very common to hear schools not wanting a foreign teacher (only the really bad ones get bad evaluations).

“but i saw him at the re-signing meeting,” i mentioned to her. “because of the lowered value of the korean won to the US dollar, not many americans want to come to korea at the moment. there are fewer native english teachers coming into korea from the US this year. so, the education center decided to renew his contract,” she explained. “and he doesn’t know that we don’t want him. he doesn’t know that he might be re-assigned to another school.” i nodded.

not the nicest thing to do to ‘drake,’ i think. but i can see why no one bothered to tell him about the negative evaluation. suppose he is assigned to the same middle school again…there might be awful tension between him and the english teachers if he knows that they gave him a bad evaluation. but it does anger me (a little) that the sole reason for his renewal was so that he could fulfill a quota. this allows him to continue being dead weight, a waste of time, a waste of money. it’s gross.

“and he wants to move into an apartment next year. because he wants to buy an LCD screen tv and there’s no room to put it on the wall of his studio right now. and he has a korean girlfriend.”

during the hour i spent with ms. seo in the cell phone shop, numerous tiny explosions went off in my brain. i know that i’m not a licensed educator with a teaching certificate or a masters degree or anything, but gosh darn it, i know i do a decent job at my school. i show up. i work hard. i learn. i teach. i’m not lazy. i don’t settle for mediocrity.

i’m not saying it’s any one party’s fault. it’s the aussie’s fault for being crappy (it’s not his fault for being hired). it’s the middle school’s fault for not being more proactive about co-teaching. it’s the education center’s fault for not upping the criteria for hiring native english teachers (sure, i’d be out of a job, but i’d leave willingly, knowing that i’d be leaving on fair conditions). it’s the korean education system’s fault for many many many things.

i didn’t really know how to reply to ms. seo’s matter-of-fact narration of the events at my old school. i just said, “i’m sorry.”

i promised myself i wouldn’t spend more than ₩50,000 (≈$50.00) on a new cell phone. i should’ve promised myself i wouldn’t spend money—period—on a new cell phone.

saturday morning, we woke up early and went to the red cross hospital downtown so i could get my yearly physical check-up (it’s really more of a drug screen than anything else). though there was no wait and the paperwork was easy and i was finished in less than fifteen minutes, the bill came out to ₩90,000 (≈$90.00). i do not remember paying that much for my check-up last year. yep, i just double-checked. i paid ₩58,000 last year; true, it was at a different hospital, but why the huge difference?

maybe the red cross hospital thinks it can charge an inordinately large fee because foreigners will pay anything blindly (a lot of the foreigners in daegu go there for their medical needs). well, i wasn’t in the mood to argue or storm out in a huff (i need the paperwork done by next week). yes, that hospital is fast, easy and convenient (located in the heart of downtown and all), but i will not go there again.

the significant and i had lunch together and headed towards cell phone street (everyone in daegu knows where that is). cell phone street is a long avenue that is lined with over thirty cell phone stores, one after another, on both sides. each store has the latest pop hits blaring through their speakers and out front, young men in business casualwear gently pester passersby.

we went to a small, unassuming shop run by two young ladies who are very good at their jobs. we filled out all the paperwork to put me under the better half’s name and shopped for phones. because i am ridiculous, i zoned in on cyon’s new-ish, very stylish lollipop. for months, the commercials (CFs) for the lollipop phone (video above) have been dominating the airwaves. obviously, there is an almost shameless product tie-in between the phone and korean pop groups big bang and 2NE1’s single, “lollipop.” clever of them to do that.

originally priced at ₩534,000 (yeah, it’s like a $500 phone), i got a brand new blue lollipop for ₩79,000 because i signed a one-year contract with SK telecom, korea’s #1 cell phone company (there are three big ones in korea: SK, KTF and the worst, LG (ironically, LG makes the best-looking cell phones)). korean students all have their own phones, and the lollipop is one of the most desired products because of its sleek look, ’secret light’ function and connection to the hottest boy group, big bang.

so why did i, a 28-year-old man, who uses his phone strictly for brief calls and texts, need a sharp, new phone for? the same reason women wear jewelry and high heels. vanity. i couldn’t resist pulling out the electric blue contraption out of my murse and having envious eyes aimed in my direction. as i’ve said before, cell phones in korea aren’t just accessories; they are also status symbols.

the machine is popular among teenagers because when a call comes in, you can simply flip the phone over onto its belly and the ringing will stop. great for avoiding calls. another thing i love are the little lights that sparkle and shine upon every incoming call (in neat designs, too!). also, the edge (picture, left) of the phone contains what is called ’secret lighting.’ i can customize the color of bulbs that light up to each individual in my phone book. for example, when the significant other calls, red lights light up. when ms. shin calls, purple lights. and so on…

here i am, going on and on about a silly little phone. such a korean thing to do. and i love it. i also loved the service i got at the phone shop. through some kind of wireless magic (maybe bluetooth?) the lady at the store transferred all media and phone numbers from my old phone into the new one. she also managed to let me keep my original number and showed me how to use all the neat functions of my lollipop (does that sound dirrty?). so easy, so clean, so efficient.

in the states, when i was with sprint pcs, i got no such service. all the departments were separated and i had to wait in line for this, wait in another line for that, etc. the thing with korean cell phone stores is that they work with all three phone companies, so they can switch you from one carrier to another quickly. you don’t have to go to specific branches of the company if you don’t wish to. and you don’t have to wait. point for korean service. [note: perhaps things have changed in the states. i wouldn't know, i haven't had to deal with cell phone companies in the states in three years. i hope things have improved.]

i am recalling something. ah, yes. one of the projects the students had the option of choosing for the stargirl project was the ‘peter sinkowitz’ scrapbook. for that project, you had to follow a friend for a month and note down daily routines, special habits, etc. and create a scrapbook focusing on your friend. these two girls created amazing scrapbooks about their friends and on the profile pages, they listed information like name, height, weight, hair color, star sign, birthday, cell phone. i did a double-take as they were presenting. cell phone? really? is it that important? as important as birthday? apparently so. and i should know…’tis the reason i got myself a lollipop in place of the no-name piece of metal i carried around for a year.

♦ i can be addictive at times. last weekend, i started lovers in paris (파리의 연인) to counterbalance the stress from work. i got totally hooked, which explains the lack of posting this past week (finished all 20 episodes in six days—review to come). apologies. i promise i’ll be more consistent with the entries.

♦ attended a meeting for native english teachers planning to renew their contract. rediscovered my reasons for avoiding foreigners in general because of the way they behave. there was this older gentleman at the meeting who kept heckling the speaker; the jerk lacked the ability to understand, well, anything that was written explicitly on the contract. i signed my contract; another year in korea.

♦ this past week, we finished all of the stargirl project presentations and all of the theatre project performances. am pretty much done with teaching this semester, even if it officially ends in mid-july. final exams are next week. smooth sailing from here on out.

♦ am planning to get a new cell phone this weekend. my current phone plan is under ms. seo’s name (co-teacher from my previous place of work) and i think it’s a bit of a burden on her sometimes. she’s meeting me saturday afternoon so that we can cancel the phone plan and have it be put under my significant other’s name.

♦ met ros wednesday evening for a long dinner at maya, an indian restaurant near kyungpook national university. the food was great, as usual, and i had a good talk with ros. she’s very calm and together, so i like that. she’ll be in australia for two months and she’s decided to come back to korea (albeit in another city) to teach. yay!

♦ tristan, who left korea ‘for good’ last year, returned this week. she’s working in seoul, but we’re in the same country now. my text-messaging buddy is back!

♦ ms. shin and i watched a couple of episodes of lovers in paris at my house thursday evening and gorged ourselves on pizza from mr. pizza. i should’ve taken a picture of the pie; there were crab meat and baked shrimp on top and sweet potato filling stuffed in the crusts. completely divine, yet completely decadent. i don’t have houseguests that often, so that was refreshing.

♦ called my dad sunday night for father’s day. we did not have one of our forced, awkward conversations. he thanked me for the sun hat i purchased online for him. i mostly talked to my mother, who, at the time, seemed to be in a good mood. i hope to spend lots of time at home during my vacation. sure, i’d like to see friends as well (nelda is visiting me all the way from new york city!), but mostly, i’d like to stay at home.

beethoven virus (베토벤 바이러스) premiered on september 10, 2008 and ended it’s 18-episode engagement on november 12, 2008. the drama consistently stayed in the number two spot in its time slot throughout its run, and even introduced a new term, ‘kang mae syndrome (강마에 신드롬),’ into the korean vernacular.

the story takes place in the fictional city of seokran, led by a mayor intent on making his hometown a mecca for classical music. he invites the world-renowned conductor kang gun-woo, whose nickname is ‘orchestra killer,’ and gives him full artistic freedom with a state-run orchestra to call his own. problem is, the orchestra is a hodgepodge of amateurs, has-beens and misfits, and maestro kang, we find out early on, is a perfectionist.

played brilliantly by kim myung-min (korea’s acting guru), maestro kang is a hot-tempered, elitist son of a bitch with one goal in mind: to make the original intents of the composers come to life. he takes no prisoners with his harsh insults and uncompromising standards (a cello player is reduced to nothingness within the first couple of weeks of rehearsal). but a character who doesn’t change is a static character. so, who can reach the heart of the demanding conductor?

du ru-mi (lee ji-ah) is first violin in the orchestra. she is sweet and effervescent and, at times, foolish. her one dream is to play in a concert on a big stage; the man who guides her to her dream is maestro kang, who is so hard-hearted, yet so charismatic. does she develop feelings for him? just a student crushing on her middle-aged mentor, perhaps.

the autumn-spring romance in the series is complicated by the third main character, kang gun-woo (yes, he has the same name as the maestro). the baby-faced singer/actor jang geun-seok plays gun-woo, a musical prodigy who is still wet behind the ears when it comes to classical music. he has perfect pitch and can memorize entire pieces with one listening, but he lacks discipline. maestro kang sees gun-woo’s talents and takes him on as a student.

these three characters—a conductor, a violinist and a trumpeter—round out the love triangle in beethoven virus. behind this love story, though, are plotlines that involve the supporting orchestra members (a timid housewife, an aging oboist, a rude flautist, a cantankerous bass player, etc.), a shift in power in seokran politics, a chronic illness that plagues one of the leads and various auditions and tests and competitions.

beethoven virus is the first korean drama to center on the lives of classical musicians, and the viewers’ response was highly favorable. not only were the ratings strong, but the series garnered numerous prizes at year-end awards shows (including the coveted daesang (‘grand prize’) for actor kim myung-min). the aforementioned ‘kang mae syndrome’ took over korea: classical music was hip again and so were the stuffy, crisp suits worn by maestro kang, and commercials sprouted up here and there featuring actors from the series. in short, the show was a big hit.

i saw the first seven or so episodes this past winter but stopped for some reason. recently, i viewed the remaining episodes and found myself (re)captivated by the show’s music, romance and acting. lovers of classical music will go nuts over the behind-the-scenes drama of a city-owned orchestra, and lovers of romance will go nuts over the relationship between du ru-mi and kang gun-woo (the older one).

the third point of the triangle is the weak aspect of the series. jang geun-seok, while very adorable, cannot stand up to kim myung-min in acting or in stature; the student is unable to trump the formidible teacher in the duel for the girl. therefore, he is never a threat to the mr. rochester-jane eyre relationship of maestro kang and du ru-mi. he kind of just sulks through many parts of the drama.

additionally, conflict seems to fall on top of the characters, rather than be created by them. when obstacles are presented to characters, it makes the story contrived. i found myself thinking more than once, “jesus, another mountain to climb over? really? these orchestra members just don’t seem to get a break.” and we certainly don’t get a break from the writers with the last episode of beethoven virus, which falls short of expectation.

despite a few gripes, i highly recommend the series. i plan to watch it with my mother when i return home in august. she’ll be totally stricken by the magic of maestro kang, and that’s what one should take away from the series. the fact that korea has its very own heathcliff—er, byronic hero.

♦ apologies for the spotty blogging as of late. after work i no longer want to do anything. for example, i came home yesterday, ordered unhealthy fried chicken (the soy sauce kind) and watched the last 3 episodes of beethoven virus (review to come). still it wasn’t a blissful experience as the inside of my mouth is out of whack (there are three or four painful areas due to stress; it’s getting better though).

♦ today i had four consecutive classes before lunch. then i missed lunch (second day in a row) because i helped set up the stage for a citywide conference they have at my school twice a year. then i had EOZ (english only zone) which is twenty-five minutes of english conversation time (with a few select students) during the latter half of lunch (i hate EOZ).

then the main office was chaos the rest of the afternoon because they plan on replacing all the teachers’ desks this weekend. yes, we’ll get brand new desks but god dang it, the office is a mess (we had to clear out all our stuff which was so fun). the good thing is, diana and i went home early because a) we had no classes and b) we had no desks.

♦ the stargirl project presentations started this past tuesday and i must say, i am very impressed with some of the students’ products. these korean high school students are so creative and tech-savvy. some of the movies they’ve produced make me wish they’d consider going to film school; the children’s books / comic books some of the groups have made are brilliant; there are even song and dance numbers (where the lyrics have been changed to reflect parts of the book); even the powerpoints are out of this world (i wish i could show you all this stuff).

these presentations make me think of the projects i did while in high school and it’s like night and day (from a technology standpoint). powerpoint? we didn’t even have a computer in our classroom; my teachers used OHPs (overhead projectors) most of the time. making movies? no one taught us how to splice scenes together. ::sigh:: i wonder what it’s like in american high schools nowadays…

♦ june 21st is father’s day. my father and i don’t have a bad relationship, but we’re not close, either. i can convey every conversation i have with my father with the following exchange:

father: are there any problems?
me: no. are there any problems at home?
father: no. if there are no problems then let’s hang up.
me: okay.

as he is getting older, he is getting more senile. and i think his hearing is weakening as well. i didn’t know what to get him for father’s day. since i ordered flowers for my mother on mother’s day, and my father would understand why i wouldn’t spend money on him, i still ordered my father a sun hat for when he mows the lawn. it’s practical, but still gift-worthy. i will call him this sunday evening to wish him a happy father’s day.

i dislike eating at school on wednesdays. wednesdays are what the cafeteria ladies call ‘수다날,’ which is short for ‘수요일은 다 먹는 날‘ (wednesdays are days when you eat everything). yeah, some campaign. i take a tray, silver chopsticks and spoon and gauge how hungry i am. using the serving tools i weigh the portions; “this much kimchi?” “will i be able to eat all this?” “do i want more of that?”

i look up at the stupid campaign poster “‘수요일은 다 먹는 날!” (exclamation point!) and curse the english god (the english had gods?) woden (from whom we get the word ‘wednesday’). i look over to the area where we turn in the trays to be washed—no disposal bins. these ladies in white chefs coats (which look more like lab coats) mean business.

i am a picky picky eater. my mother is a picky eater as well. together, we are picky eaters. the rest of the family, however, are like garbage bins. they’ll eat anything. the old saying is, “we are what we eat,” but when it comes to my family, it’s a little more like, “we are how we eat.” personality-wise, my mother and i exclude the company of most people. the rest of the family, however, make friends here and there and everywhere.

we asians kind of look down on people who allow their kids to be so fussy with food (i mean, at one point or another, all of china, or japan, or korea was starving). i didn’t like me vegetables, me seafood nor me butter. my mother allowed me to be this way. i was the youngest in my family of four (for 12 years) and i was the only boy. i could do whatever i wanted and it was great! (exclamation point!)

i’ve changed, though, and for the better. i’ll eat onions and green onions and tomatoes and squash and butter and seafood. compared to my fellow yellow people, i’m still an excessively finicky brat, but compared to my old self, you’d think i’d converted to a new religion or something…foodism. this is a good thing.

i’m reminded of a scene in ang lee’s pushing hands. the recently transplanted chinese father-in-law lives in his white-american daughter-in-law’s suburban home. at dinnertime, he eats his rice and side dishes chinese-style while his daughter-in-law munches on rice cakes (or something like that). the old man, as a sign of friendship, serves some meat to the daughter-in-law when she loudly rejects this kind act. he turns to his son, the husband of the white woman, and asks, “why doesn’t she eat meat?” “she’s on a diet,” the son replies. the old man considers this. “but i eat meat, why aren’t i fat?” silence. and then the lecture. “being thin is not the result of denying yourself certain types of food; it’s eating a harmonious, balanced meal.”

i’ve heard this before (like a million times), but i never listened to it until i saw pushing hands (like two weeks ago). maybe i only listen when it’s an asian person speaking to me…(a thought). nonetheless, as i am getting older, i should follow a well-balanced diet. i’ve noticed that it’s more and more difficult for me to lose weight. i look at pictures of myself from 2, 3 years ago and i’m all like, wow, i was so skinny. skinny bitch.

the past couple of days have been rough. i might even dare to say that they were terrible, or horrible, or no good, or just plain very bad. the drag show last saturday night was entertaining, even if it was ear-splitting (i’ll write about it tomorrow). i had way too much beer at the two bars we patronized, and by the time i got home it was 4:30am. and then i ate a hamburger. i woke up and everything was dandy.

and then it hit me sunday afternoon around 5:00pm. the throbbing hangover. i was dizzy, weak, nauseous and my head felt like it was 20,000 leagues under the sea. i wanted to drill a hole in my skull to release that tremendous pressure. i was in no condition to prepare lessons on sunday night.

after a sweaty, restless sleep i woke up at 5:00am and watched spy kids. and then i went to school early and tried to piss everyone off. i did, however, manage to find some tylenol, which eased the headache some. ladies and gentlemen, that was my first hangover. ::applause:: and ::bowing::

monday and tuesday were a blur because they were so long and full of work. as a result of this buildup of stress, i have three—count ‘em, three!—’dead taste buds’ on the tip of my tongue (they’re like little bitty pimples…i’m not quite sure what to do with them as this is my first experience with them), two swollen areas in my mouth, a sore throat, a wobbly right knee (from when i decided it was faster for me to get off the stage in the auditorium by jumping off) and shitty hair. they were bad days. really.

so this evening, i’m just going to sit in my air-conditioned apartment, watch beethoven virus and drink lots of water. i’ve already given myself a honey and black sugar facial and i’m ready to hit the gym tomorrow morning, bad knee(s) and all. and earlier this afternoon, a wednesday afternoon, i left campus to grab lunch so i wouldn’t have to swallow everything down. can’t expect me to follow a healthy, well-balanced diet when i hate the world. when i hate the world, we eat hamburgers. and friend chicken. and get ‘dead taste buds,’ whatever the hell they are.

after all…tomorrow is another day.

♦ went to see angels & demons last weekend with hans. we got there at the beginning of a show and the only tickets available were single seats in different rows, which suited me fine. the movie is well-made; the production value alone is impressive. however, i would never want to see it again (because after you’ve seen the ending, the jig is up).

♦ laos’s ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary to south korea made a special visit to my high school this afternoon. there was a big hoopla and the students had to do some butt-kissing, unnecessary presentations about laos (and there was an orchestral recital).

the ambassador, a short, dark, gentle man, gave a speech that lasted 30 minutes. it was excruciatingly slow and disorganized, and most of our students were dozing off. i’m all for these cultural exchange, ‘global meeting’-type things, but seriously, the people who are in charge of these events at my school do not know how to put on a decent show.

♦ i watched the first five episodes of the korean drama queen of the housewives (내조의 여왕) with english subs (from this web site) last weekend. the show is a definite winner; funny and deep. i have to wait for the remaining subs to be released before i go back for more (i refuse to watch without the assistance of english subs because i want to understand all of the dialogue). waiting is frustrating.

♦ new yorker friend nelda booked tickets to visit me this summer! she’ll be in houston for four days in mid-august. hopefully by then i’ll have some brilliant ideas for how to pass the time in blazing hot houston.

♦ the significant other and i are going to see a drag show tomorrow night. it should be very interesting, i think.

♦ in general, i feel tired. the weather is getting warmer, so the A/C at my house is in frequent use. everyone at school is waiting for the semester to end (at the middle of july). exhaustion is sinking in. i wish i was more of a summer person, but i’m just not. maybe if i were a californian…

how to be a korean (food edition) here
how to be a korean (gift edition) here
how to be a korean (style edition) here

for her

1. let your boyfriend play with your breasts. it’s pretty self-explanatory, this one. i have a theory that korean men, who have been wildly coddled by their mothers, are madly in love with the breasts. the ladies of korea aren’t known for their massive racks, but come ajumma (married women) age, said jugs become large, saggy bowling pins. now imagine young cubs dangling from them missiles. they play with them, fondle them, suck on them, caress them as they fall asleep. like little monkeys.

which is why a grown korean man (in his twenties / early thirties) pay special attention to his girlfriend’s chest area. all my single ladies, don’t be alarmed. remember he doesn’t love you; he loves his mother. you are just a mother-replacement. accept it. embrace it. it only means you have the power to make him do anything (warning: oddly, this power fades once you have children and he realizes that he’s a grown man who can father human beings).

2. make sure he’s not the only / eldest son. if you shall have the (mis)fortune of marrying the only / eldest son, may confucius have mercy on your soul. we asians (well, the light ones anyway) believe, “our parents took care of us when we were young. therefore, we should take care of them when they are old.” this is what we call filial piety (the chinese call it xiao). essentially, the child is stuck with caring for his or her parents until they die.

not everyone is so lucky to have their parents die so soon. some parents live a long, long time. this is what we call unfair (the chinese call it bu gong ping). what’s also unfair is how most of the responsibility lies with the son. if there are two sons, then the taller one is saddled with the job (kidding!). obviously, the parents come live with the oldest son. he supports them, feeds them, lives with them…i believe this is the reason why cain killed abel. for those of you who are wondering, son-less parents die on the streets.

the wife of the first husband has the toughest job (on the planet). she deals with the (usually evil) mother-in-law. she is the leader of all the other daughters-in-law. it is her house that will be the place of gathering. it is her food that will be used in ancestral worship. it is she who must bear the grandson. so before you go around marrying just any ol’ boy who tells you he loves you, think again, sistah.

3. forgive him for the sins he’s committed. he did it because all his friends were doing it. he did it because it was cheap. he did it because his friends treated him. he did it because he was young. he did it because he was doing his mandatory military service (2 consecutive years) at the time. he did it because he was lonely. he did it because he’d never had the chance to do it. he did it because his dad probably did it when he was young. he did it because a good percentage of the male population has done it.

that ‘it’ is sleeping with prostitutes. don’t ask, and he won’t tell. so don’t ask.

for him

4. pay for everything. this is just my opinion, but i think a lot of korean girls are high-maintenance. they like expensive clothes, cosmetics, restaurants, cars, cellphones, jewelry, etc. possessing the ability to pay for these luxuries means that you love her. this is what our parents taught us, and this is how we think. if you love your kids, you’ll pay for those extra tutors and hagwons (cram schools). if you love your girlfriend, you’ll pay for that dinner at outback, those bags from louis vuitton, that new lollipop phone (they’re so cute!). perhaps she’ll pay you back with some lovin’ but since she’s korean, she’ll pretend like she doesn’t want any lovin’. it’s code. her mouth will say yes, but her eyes, her eyes…

5. carry your girlfriend’s purse. it’s just what you do in korea. i mean, god forbid you let her frail little meatless arms suffer.

for both

6. “i love you” in a week. my friend tristan was bored and said yes to a guy who asked her out on a date. he was korean and tristan is white (as glue). she was kind of not that into him, but girl will do anything for free food. they had dinner at a nice restaurant, and conversation was lacking. how was his english? despite working in the english section of kyobo bookstore, his grasp of the language was not fantasticals. i suppose he sensed that she was just not that into him, so he pulled out the big guns. during a pregnant pause in their conversation, he blurted out, “te amo.”

she never went out with him again, and wore a disguise whenever she needed to buy a book.

point is, it’s very common for koreans, especially the men, to express feelings of love early on in the relationship. immature boys making such premature declarations.

7. get used to ‘couple’ things. once a korean couple decides that they are ‘going steady,’ they will announce it to the world through appearance alone. they will get themselves ‘couple’ rings, which are simple, identical rings both parties wear (hell, even i observe this tradition). every relationship goes through this milestone. i found out that two of the students in class 2-1 are going out. “they even have couple rings,” a spy told me. that means it’s serious.

this ‘couple’ thing also pertains to actual clothes. it is frighteningly common to find couples wearing identical tops or bottoms (sometimes both). same shirts, hoodies, vests, hats, caps, jeans, trousers, shoes, socks, etc. everything. stores sell ‘his and her’ shirts of matching design; i personally think this is adorable. i especially like the couple shirts (known as ‘couple tee’ in korea) that don’t look exactly the same, but when put together, create a whole (check out the picture, right). this (very) korean thing is so widespread that after a few weeks, i didn’t even think it a novelty anymore. sure, at first i pointed and said, “look, the amazing race!” but now, i’m like, yeah, it’s cute—whatev.

korea is not a great place to live if you’re a singleton in want of love. thank god i’m not single.

8. 100 days is a landmark event. once you make it past 100 days, declare it to anyone who will listen. write all about the day (in detail) on your cyworld page (korea’s myspace). make sure gifts are exchanged. spend the day shopping for couple tees and couple rings (#5). celebrate by going to a romantic, expensive restaurant (which he will pay for (#4)). one hundred days is a short time in the grand scheme of things (what, 3.5 months?), but it is oh so important in a korean relationship. it’s like when a hollywood couple finally sends out a press release confirming their status as a power couple. it’s a big friggin deal.

9. follow text-messaging protocol. lovers text-message each other like, a hundred times a day. if your lover text-messages you and you don’t reply within an hour, he or she will think you are a) cheating, b) deserving of being cheated on, or c) dead. in ‘the land of the morning calm,’ phone calls are expensive to make, but text messages are incredibly cheap; so it is expected that you take advantage of this low, low price. “do you love me?” “yes, of course.” “how much?” “as much as the sky and earth.” “really?” “yes, really.” “what are you doing?” “i’m texting you.”

“why aren’t you answering my text messages?” “hello?” “are you cheating on me?” “do you want to die?!” “we are so over!” to prevent your relationship from imploding, always be the one who sends the last text message.

10. hold a fight in public. in my humble opinion, koreans love to fight (they also love to watch fights). they don’t care who’s watching, they will have a crazy, screaming match in broad daylight. she won’t be afraid to claw at him and shove him with her purse. he won’t be afraid to grab her wrists as the firsts come flying. there will be crying, yelling, cursing, finger-wagging, exactly like how characters act on those tv dramas. oh, it’s great.

soon, a crowd will surround the fight, but no one will try to stop it. the ones who have food are lucky. they’ll watch the spat like it’s a bullfight, a spectator sport. others will place bets. will they break up or will they get back together? i love quarreling in public. i once had an all-out showdown with my first significant other on the streets of new york. it was thrilling and freeing.