wanna be on top?

it’s no secret that i love america’s next top model. created and hosted by former supermodel tyra banks, the reality series premiered in the summer of 2003 on flailing network upn and eventually became that network’s #1 program. i’ve watched antm since its humble beginnings (seriously, that first season looks pretty “jank”) and even followed its seventh-cycle move to the cw, where it continues to anchor each spring/fall lineup. the show’s popularity is made evident by the 50+ international versions, and, though korea has yet to produce its own version of the program, america’s next top model is (along with sex & the city) broadcast almost every day of the week on onstyle. furthermore, has anyone noticed that the show’s only been on since 2003 and it’s already in its thirteenth cycle? insanity.

insanity—that’s a good word to describe the often ridiculous show. the premise is simple: a bunch of female model wannabes go through a series of tests, challenges and eliminations (not to mention drama) to become america’s. next. top. model. tyra banks’s brand of crazy totally works for this reality television program (it fails to work on her talk show, i’m afraid to say): she is over-the-top, finger-waggin’ fieeeeerce, and, at times, just plain cuckoo.

flanked left and right by her posse of crazies throughout the years—”noted fashion photographer nigel barker,” “runway diva coach extraordinaire miss jay,” “legendary supermodel paulina porizkova,” “fashion icon twiggy,” “janice dickinson, one of the world’s first supermodels,” “nolé marin, prominent fashion editor and stylist,” and of course, bleach-blonde jay manuel (aka “mr. jay”), the art director of all the photo shoots—tyra banks puts the aspiring models through the ultimate model boot camp, which features weekly photo shoots, commercials, runway coaching, acting sessions, make-overs and individual evaluations. it may be the gayest show on earth.

do i sound like a fan? yes. yes, i do. whenever there’s a top model marathon on tv, i am there. and even though i’ve seen each cycle like, a gazillion times, i will still plop myself in front of the tube and rewatch, and rewatch, and rewatch. it’s so easy to get distracted by the show because it’s always on. example: currently, cycles 8, 11 and 12 of antm are airing on onstyle in their respective time slots. when one cycle ends, another begins. just like life.

since i think myself a sort of expert on top model, below i wish to rank the cycles in order from worst to best, and i also want to spotlight some of each cycle’s most memorable moments.

cycle 12

•standout cast members: tall-ass aminat, fashionista celia, face in a wind-tunnel teyona, nosebleed-obsessed allison
•winner: teyona (two words: ghet-to)
•villain: sandra (who is actually more clueless than evil)
•best photo: sandra and celia as nannies on the upper east side
•memorable photo shoots: models as birds (shot by tyra) and…::crickets::
•in short: the worst cycle in antm history; it is not even worth a second look; god-awful girls and god-awful shoots / challenges

cycle 10

•standout cast members: plus-size fake whitney, soccer mom dominique, what is she saying anya, “neutrogena” katarzyna, little iman fatima
•winner: bottom two-dweller whitney
•villain: dominique (who got knocked around by her ex-boyfriend, as well as the producers)
•best photo: girlfriend may look a bit drag-ish but give it up ladies and gents, this picture is fieeeeerce
•memorable photo shoots: homeless shelter, “fuerzabruta” body in water
•in short: a lot of catty bitches (including the winner) and a few good, but bland, girls; it’s just aiight, folks

cycle 5

•standout cast members: pee in a diaper lisa, lesbian kim, granola bar bre
•winner: whiny brat nicole
•villain: bre (who poured nicole’s energy drinks down the drain)
•best photo: slim pickings, but i guess this one with boring nik and her extreme hair extensions
•memorable photo shoots: reinterpreting artwork, plastic surgeries gone wrong
•in short: unlikeable group of girls doing very uninteresting things; a mediocre cycle

cycle 4

•standout cast members: carmen kass look-alike kahlen, bread-loving keenyah, faux hawk naima, she got told tiffany
•winner: self-hater naima (really, tyra? really??)
•villain: keenyah (who didn’t even know who nelson mandela was)
•best photo: chameleon kahlen as a springbok
•memorable photo shoots: astrological signs, african animals, different ethnicity, seven deadly sins
•in short: a dark group of girls (really, besides kahlen, where are the blonde-haired blue-eyed beauties?); not a lot of fun

cycle 7

•standout cast members: goofball caridee, perfectionist melrose, quirky twins michelle and amanda
•winner: a deserving caridee (very photogenic)
•villain: monique (who, thank god, went home early)
•best photo: scary caridee, shot by tyra
•memorable photo shoots: circus freaks, hair show, model stereotypes
•in short: a great-looking group of girls + creative photo shoot ideas = pleasing season

cycle 9

•standout cast members: sarcastic jenah, the face of asperger’s heather, sunny chantal, wicked bianca
•winner: highly commercial saleisha
•villain: bianca (“check your thighs in the mirror—and i’m done.”)
•best photo: jenah, who took divine photo after divine photo (this may be my favorite antm photo of all time)
•memorable photo shoots: types of plants, smoking side-effects, recyclable materials, the great wall of china
•in short: modelesque girls with distinct personalities, doing cool photo shoots (plus, there’s china!)

cycle 11

•standout cast members: tomboy mckey, awkward marjorie, sassy sheena, actress analeigh, stoic elina, transgendered isis
•winner: mckey (duh!)
•villain: elina (who could never just let go)
•best photo: analeigh in front of dutch windmills
•memorable photo shoots: fierce eyes above water, hot air balloon
•in short: a group of beautiful girls in the most high-fashion cycle of top model

cycle 8

•standout cast members: cha-cha diva jaslene, car salesman natasha, nasty renee
•winner: jaslene (there really wasn’t ever a doubt)
•villain: renee (who picked fights wherever she went)
•best photo: jaslene as a good-looking nautical fella
•memorable photo shoots: high school clichés, crime scenes, gender-swapper
•in short: a mixed bag of girls, amazing photo-models (this cycle probably has the strongest set of photo shoot concepts)

cycle 6

•standout cast members: amazonian danielle, snaggle toothed joanie, crazy jade, praying mantis furonda, front-runner nnenna, vacuous gina
•winner: danielle (“shut yo’ mouth and say it ain’t so!”)
•villain: jade (who picked on poor little korean-american gina (well…the girl had it comin’))
•best photo: best photo-taker (ever!) joanie straddling a friggin’ elephant
•memorable photo shoots: going bald, fairy tale characters, dream career, krumping, riding an elephant
•in short: a fierce battle between gorgeous danielle and photogenic joanie—the closest match in top model finale history

cycle 1

•standout cast members: intelligent elyse, chicagoan adrianne, virginal shannon, beauty queen robin
•winner: adrianne (she wanted it the most, for sure)
•villain: robin (who gave elyse a hard time about being an atheist—”foolish is the man who says there is no god”)
•best photo: elyse with a snake (one of the best photos we’ve seen on top model)
•memorable photo shoots: posing with a snake, showing movement with a football player, the naked one
•in short: the cycle that started it all—the first overseas trip, the first nude shoot, the first commercial, the first catfights—it’s all raw and unplanned and fabulous

cycle 3

•standout cast members: eva diva, blind amanda, haughty yaya, walking wet dream ann, “big, black, beautiful and lovin’ it” toccara
•winner: bad girl gone good eva
•villain: um, was there one? we’ll go with 50% eva, 50% yaya
•best photo: eva overcame her fear of spiders and ended up with this stunning picture
•memorable photo shoots: tarantula, geishas in kimonos, harajuku girls
•in short: probably the loudest group of contestants, all quite distinct; it’s probably the cycle that is most fun to watch

cycle 2

•standout cast members: fashion-obsessed yoanna, cheating shandi, lupus patient mercedes, control freak april, “black bitch” camille
•winner: yoanna (a face like hers “doesn’t come around very often”)
•villain: camille (miss cruella deville, yoanna calls her)
•best photo: a toss-up between yoanna’s and mercedes’s high-fashion pictures, with the edge to yoanna (not everyone can pull off a helmet)
•memorable photo shoots: underwater couture, garden of eden, hanging from wires, famous celebrities
•in short: this season has it all—crying (catie), fear of heights (catie), sex (um, shandi?), chronic illness (mercedes), fainting (shandi), refusing to do nudity (anna), a girl who is late to a photo shoot (jenascia), high fashion (milan!) and let’s not forget the world premiere of tyra banks’s first music video, “shake ya body.” the question remains—was mercedes robbed of the title?

agree? disagree? are we looking forward to cycle 13, america’s next short model? i’m not (because models should be tall)…but, i’d really like to see the girls come to korea. think korea, people.